i cannot....
look up into the face of God without contemplating the coexistence of His wrath and love
take the hand of my patients without feeling a jolt of what they feel
set a plug, take blood, or cut up any child's human part without feeling like a murderer
and yet, i can....
sin against God in thought and word and deed, being a failed child and yet, amazingly, buoyed and redeemed daily by His crimson flow
take the hand of my patients and give thanks for the chance to know them, to share their pain, and to share my immense blessing as a physician and listener
set a plug, take blood, or cut up diseased fleshgristlebone of a patient, knowing that ultimately, even as the twinges of pain hit me from the reverberation of their waves of suffering, i am being a healer and protector.
i will not relinquish my hold on this calling.
i will not rest in my grave unless i do all i possibly could in all the ways i possibly can.
so, oh merciful and wise Lord, guide me.
hahahaha. too viscidly, gelatinously, ruby-ly (aka bloody) lazy to type anything of worth tonight, plus there's 58 x 3 pages of clinical medicine, history taking, physical examination, systems review to read by tomorrow, considering that the first surgical tutorial commences in less than 36hrs, and possibly more medicine tutorials to follow. it's really mad, and i'm here pecking away diligently on my keyboard. i must be mad, out of my mind, insane, loony, crackers in a bin, fruitcake on a shelf. one shudders to remember that tutors require the rep to arrange the tutorial at least 24hrs beforehand (me for the med half group), and the students to read all the basic clinical med + exam techniques + history taking + relevant requested tutorial system review. meaning, if i'm going to ask our dearest, most conciliatory, accomodating, considerate tutors from rheum and derm to give us tutorials, i'd better have a damned good idea 1) what my half group intends the tutor to cover and 2) the date, time and venues when we're available. part 2 ain't too hard cos i've sorted the timetable out (was a really shamblycrappy mess of entangled nonsense yesterday!), so i really need to ask deborah, matin and grace if they want pushed-forward medicine tuts, and if so, what they've reviewed to sufficient confidence to ask for. i guess it's the 4 mains as usual first - cvs, respi, neuro, GIT. what then? and besides, i've a feeling the 2 tutors, wellmeaning as they may be inclined to be, will inevitably start shifting the tutorial focus to their respective specialties, albeit serendipitously (i hope). it boggles my limited mind capacity just to think of it. i'd never, i repeat, never, survive as a bureaucrat. never. over my dead, cold body. too much redundant, bluish vague stuff. i like clear cut stuff. yes? no? not: hmmm, maybe, give or take, let's say 49% and 51%. i'd really really like to see if surgery people really do behave as i do. if they really do, hallelujah. Hallelujah to God. i'd have found my brethren and calling :D if not... i guess i'll have to begin the not-admired task of bumbling around until i find a specialty that is willing to take in a miscreant like me. haha. things like E med or critical care. though both, i assure you, are already 1 or more foot/feet deep into the sludgy, disagreeable muck called "the grey zone".
usually i'm amusing, but today i decided i'm going to take a break and start musing. for once. everyone around me muses once in a while, even once in a reaaaally long while, but not me. i tend to do before i think, to feel before i do, and to curse before i feel. i judge, i negate, i snub, i detest. i push away and haul off, i fling rapidly and shun squeamishly. all these, an many more, i am capable and well versed in. ah but the mystical, veiled art of musing, i have yet to elucidate. and of course, after all the intensity of the moment has all but passed away, i settle down to fluff my feathers in preparation for the next ruffling. without thinking about the meaning, purpose and repercussions of whatever i've just accomplished. sometimes i amaze myself. most times, i amaze those around me, and stun the rest of the world into utter silence.
had church cell today. it was a really small group, with kunfu, gabriel, weichang, weiping, victor and me. but the sharing was on a more voluminous scale compared to that of normal cgs, perhaps because the lack of too many people clamoring for their turn to share makes the outpouring of the spirit much more fluent. in this case, there was no barrier, no dam, no stopgate for the torrent that flooded calab room tonight. gabriel's astronomical success at the design competition and to come, weichang's deep woes feelingly rendered unto the room about his work stuation, weiping's korea trip, her gratefulness of a bonding holiday group, and the (not so blamable) desire to become a ludicrously rich banker, and victor's emerging challenge with his radical friend. i've always wondered if it's ever going to be legal to give mandatory antipsychotic medication and 72hrs lockdown observation to cult leaders. i guess ethics wise the committee'll crap their pants, but honestly, i'm starting to see the utilitarian side of me popping up obtrusively. perhaps i'm just stubborn and impatient. but of course, aren't all surgeons like that?
am itching to bake something.
shall i attempt a bread tomorrow?
cookies? cake?
cycling at 7am with bro and dad. must remember to wake up, so i can feel the breeze rolling temptuously on my tongue, and taste the vaporised asphalt. see the sunrays dissect the face of every woe, and feel the trail of shattered dreamscapes crumble silently beneath my carefree wheels.
i am a poet.
poised
tip of the iceberg
dripping snivelling snow
melted to nothingness.
inching
some days are slower
viscidgelatinousoozingsinewyslimelike
past time, past consciousness
the ladybug blinks.
somewhere,
a child falls to the ground
silent.
what would you do, mocked the parakeet, if you had all the power in the world?
what would you do, mocked the parakeet, if you could choose?
i would, i would -whispers the little skeleton-
hold back time.
i would, i would
kill the aching pining
wasting my world.
i would, i would
walk it over
pacing seventy seven steps
to the northern star
and put the melted teardrop
back in the broken heart
of the glacier.
to be edified is a beautiful thing.
sometime in the past 24hours, i've been through emotional turmoil roiling turbulently underneath a calm, veneer-like facade that belies the thinly veiled storm.
that's probably too exaggerated. to quote literature dons, a hyperbole. a soliloquized hyperbole. heh. my issues, my problems, my so called troubles are of such insgnificance in the world view of things that i can't help but allow myself a litte risus sardonicus as i think about it. that's the ghoulish tetanus grin in C. tetani infected people. haha.
i just need guts. since i've already walked, paced, shuffled and fairly trampled down the path of realization, and come face to face with the cold truth, i ought to be decisive. if i had courage to begin it, i ought to find in myself a measure of courage a little more than before to end it. to end it all, gracefully, and cleanly, and without mangled carnage. guts, guts. my insides taste bitter as gall and reviling as deepest sin. i have thr guts but i won't acknowledge them.
i need the blinds thrown open on my eyes. to glare me into awakening, to jolt me back to where i ought to be.
i can probably reminisce a little when i come to terms with the past tense of this situation that is fast crumbling into sand in my clammy hands. in the meantime, i just feel like i've finally comprehended what it means to want to sleep and not wake, to run to a hideaway and not emerge.
but that said, i also realise that perhaps, it's been too long. for me to understand that i am myself, only now. that no matter whether or not i'm imbued with the acceptance and acknowledgement of another, my inherent value to others will never change. man, woman or otherwise.
God judges me. He is the only one worthy to judge me. as i have often lapsed in judgment about others, i must and i will learn the lesson of the pathetic humility of my spirit compared to the enormity of the Holy Spirit's grace, wisdom and mercy.
oh Lord. you take me just as i am. i need no human affirmation, for they are mere masques and frivolous verbal parlay. take me now, juat as i am. broken as i am, and in need of restitution as i am. clothe me, shield me, comfort me. refresh me, rebuild me, bless me. i recommit myself to Your hands Lord. Your hands that moulded the world and made Man. Your hands that lifted David in edification and smite him down when he turned from You. be gentle unto me oh Lord, and guide me to discern propriety from what displeases You. give me the wisdom of Moses and the courage of Daniel. lead me from the wide path for it leads me to sure death.
thank you Lord, for planting brothers and sisters who love me and counsel me as gently as angels. thank you Lord, for kornehwoman, for weiyithetoot, for muamua, for dondon. thank you Lord for your sweet ministrations on my enbalmed heart. thank you Lord.
shaking.
how cold.
my poem came true.
but i'm embellished with infinitely more flesh than my poor little protagonist.
why isn't vcf starting???!!!!!
-fako ah choo-
cold!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
feet, cold as the thin sliver of a blade
swaddled in the harsh caresses of white, pure white
white so blinding
so tortuously, agonizingly white
that one bleeds rivulets of ebony and ruby upon the vast swath
of burial cloth
craddling her feet.
her feet are cold, so
cold.
her fingers,
broken upon the knuckles and ragged from the abrasive
weariless
merciless
grind of coarse chainmetal
upon rapidly chilling fleshmeatbonetendonblood
brushes across the stick
the lithe swaying stick
of leg
protruding quaveringly
above the snow.
they leave trails. of enameled smithereens, of disgraced red
of anguish bent twice in agony upon itself.
she is cold, feet up and fingers down. there is nothing besides these
to feel.
but oh, the keening of the imprisoned heart
emaciated soul
surely there is pain.
surely there is a remnant of regret
behind the empty sockets.
but as surely as the vultures and carrions have taken her
she is left naught
what was once felt never to return
to this wasted barrenland.
feet, cold as bitter truth spilt from dying lips
remain stoically planted in the punishing white tomb.
her fingers mourn in whispers
as they comfort the cold legs,
brushing them, touching them,
resting against them
for all eternity.
there is nothing but the scratchy wails of the consolant digits in this world.
there is nothing left of her
but the dead and the mourning.
one can almost hear
the eagerness of the vultures
when they return for more bones
come summer.
it's been fun.
freed from the cloyingly agonizing shackles of exams, my brain is breathing again. it is exuding little bubbles of joy. it is frothing in delight and relief. i may be exhibiting signs of fulminant septic meningitis.
haha.
let's test my csf for glucose and proteins. smear it into the blood agar with deliberate glee wearing a sardonic grin and nothing else, standing in the nudy before the ethereal caresses of the laminar flow air.
had a ton (and then some) of fun, fellowship and frivolous resource expenditure today with my wonderful, fantastic, lovely and absolutely quirky churchmates - grace, weiyi and yinghui. a trio of madcaps prancing around my kitchen doing magical stuff to flour, eggs and butter, whilst simultaneously bringing a flame of passion and warmth back into my tired soul and heart. it was totally what i needed. it hit the spot right on. (why does this sound like a cheesy Oxy10 ad?) i love these guys to bits. they make wonderful company and even better pastries! :D
i didn't take pictures cos my grubby paws were smeared with butter, oil (grace gasps) and sugar, but let me assure you that the products looked heavenly and tasted better. yinghui took some nice pics though! :D hee. will prob go sneak a peek at her blog or facebook when she loads them :D
anyway just for the record, we made walnut brownies wth marshmallows, cranberry and mixed oats muffins, and almond walut biscotti! :D sounds like something a gourmand would salivate over. and man, they really do titillate the tastebuds! especially the earthy, fruity, flavors-exploding muffins. have to give grace kudos for the excellent recipe and idea! :D
after that we half escorted tired grace home... the poor gal could barely keep her eyelids open! then the remaining 3 musketeers traipsed over to feast on japonicum - ahem, i meant japanese food! at sakae :D not schistosoma. hehheh :P
tiring day! but absolutely definitely indubitably goooooooooooooooood. let's do it again! :D