can versus cannot

i cannot....

look up into the face of God without contemplating the coexistence of His wrath and love
take the hand of my patients without feeling a jolt of what they feel
set a plug, take blood, or cut up any child's human part without feeling like a murderer

and yet, i can....

sin against God in thought and word and deed, being a failed child and yet, amazingly, buoyed and redeemed daily by His crimson flow
take the hand of my patients and give thanks for the chance to know them, to share their pain, and to share my immense blessing as a physician and listener
set a plug, take blood, or cut up diseased fleshgristlebone of a patient, knowing that ultimately, even as the twinges of pain hit me from the reverberation of their waves of suffering, i am being a healer and protector.

i will not relinquish my hold on this calling.
i will not rest in my grave unless i do all i possibly could in all the ways i possibly can.

so, oh merciful and wise Lord, guide me.