reaffirmation.

to be edified is a beautiful thing.

sometime in the past 24hours, i've been through emotional turmoil roiling turbulently underneath a calm, veneer-like facade that belies the thinly veiled storm.

that's probably too exaggerated. to quote literature dons, a hyperbole. a soliloquized hyperbole. heh. my issues, my problems, my so called troubles are of such insgnificance in the world view of things that i can't help but allow myself a litte risus sardonicus as i think about it. that's the ghoulish tetanus grin in C. tetani infected people. haha.

i just need guts. since i've already walked, paced, shuffled and fairly trampled down the path of realization, and come face to face with the cold truth, i ought to be decisive. if i had courage to begin it, i ought to find in myself a measure of courage a little more than before to end it. to end it all, gracefully, and cleanly, and without mangled carnage. guts, guts. my insides taste bitter as gall and reviling as deepest sin. i have thr guts but i won't acknowledge them.

i need the blinds thrown open on my eyes. to glare me into awakening, to jolt me back to where i ought to be.

i can probably reminisce a little when i come to terms with the past tense of this situation that is fast crumbling into sand in my clammy hands. in the meantime, i just feel like i've finally comprehended what it means to want to sleep and not wake, to run to a hideaway and not emerge.

but that said, i also realise that perhaps, it's been too long. for me to understand that i am myself, only now. that no matter whether or not i'm imbued with the acceptance and acknowledgement of another, my inherent value to others will never change. man, woman or otherwise.

God judges me. He is the only one worthy to judge me. as i have often lapsed in judgment about others, i must and i will learn the lesson of the pathetic humility of my spirit compared to the enormity of the Holy Spirit's grace, wisdom and mercy.

oh Lord. you take me just as i am. i need no human affirmation, for they are mere masques and frivolous verbal parlay. take me now, juat as i am. broken as i am, and in need of restitution as i am. clothe me, shield me, comfort me. refresh me, rebuild me, bless me. i recommit myself to Your hands Lord. Your hands that moulded the world and made Man. Your hands that lifted David in edification and smite him down when he turned from You. be gentle unto me oh Lord, and guide me to discern propriety from what displeases You. give me the wisdom of Moses and the courage of Daniel. lead me from the wide path for it leads me to sure death.

thank you Lord, for planting brothers and sisters who love me and counsel me as gently as angels. thank you Lord, for kornehwoman, for weiyithetoot, for muamua, for dondon. thank you Lord for your sweet ministrations on my enbalmed heart. thank you Lord.